The Five Threats to Marital Oneness (July 16, 2009)

In Proverb 24:3-4 the Bible says: "By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches."

So why are so many marriages today ending in divorce? The answer lies (in part) in the problems that face marriage today. There are certain forces that exist in our society today that Satan uses to tear marriages apart. I call these forces, “The Five threats to Oneness”. They are:

1. Difficult adjustments – everyone comes to marriage with different backgrounds. Consequently, they have to make certain adjustments in marriage to form their new family unity. Many people today are unwilling to make those adjustments. These difficult adjustments in marriage threaten our oneness. Without making these necessary adjustments toward oneness isolation is inevitable.

2. The World’s 50/50 Plan – you do your part and I’ll do mine. We’ll each carry 50% of the load. The problem with this performance-oriented marriage relationship is that “each horse thinks his or her pack is the heaviest”. Consequently, Couples entering marriage equipped only with the world's plan will find their oneness threatened. The logical result of the world's plan is isolation.

3. Difficulties & Trials – they are a part of life. It is not a matter of ‘if’ we will have them, but how e will react ‘when’ we have them. A failure to work through inevitable difficulties and trials threatens oneness. A failure to grasp God's perspective together on these problems will result in isolation.

4. Extramarital affairs - escapes from reality. The fulfillment of legitimate needs in illegitimate ways. Extramarital affairs threaten oneness. The escape to extramarital affairs is doomed to isolation. There are five types of extramarital affairs: the love affair, the career affair, the materialism affair, the activity affair, and the apathy affair.

5. Selfishness – our own personal pride, the desire to get what we want when we want it. The failure to anticipate selfishness in marriage threatens oneness. We all have selfish natures – we want our own way. But marriage was created by God to be an environment which mirrors H8is agape love for us - giving without expectation of return. Selfishness could therefore be described as the root of all the other threats to oneness. In Isaiah 53:6 the Bible says, "All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; but the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him." The devastating result of selfishness is isolation.

If not checked, the five threats to oneness tend to lead a couple through five phases of marriage deterioration. The five phases are:
1. The romantic phase – marriages start out here. This is the birth of the marriage relationship. There is no recognition of the threats to oneness because life is wonderful. We are so in love, we can’t imagine anything else. But the marriage that is based strictly on feelings is soon headed for trouble.
2. The transition phase – the honeymoon phase is coming to an end and we begin to realize there is more to marriage than just warm fuzzies and great sex. The realities of life are beginning to set in.
3. The reality phase – bills and babies, careers and activities, morning breath and bed head, repairs and responsibilities. Where did the romance go?
4. The retaliation (resentment) phase – 'you do your part and I’ll do mine' isn’t working so good anymore. The one you love disappoints you. Hurtful comments are exchanged – the insult for insult relationship begins.
5. The rejection phase – too many hurts have gone unforgiven. Bitterness has set in. Two people may occupy the same house, but there is no love there. The death of the relationship is becoming a reality.

Is this progression inevitable? If not, how is it avoided? Stay tuned for future posts!

You can comment on this blog below or email me directly at csonger@new-communitychurch.org