Superglue Your Marriage (Part 1)

Superglue Your Marriage (Part 1)

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourselves.
Philippians 2:3

When two people get married, they have high expectations about their relationship. An unspoken assumption by each one is that the other will "meet me halfway." This is the world's plan for marriage. They called it the 50/50 Plan, which says, "You do your part, and I'll do mine." This concept sounds logical, but couples who use it are destined for disappointment and failure.

A friend of mine tells the following story: We spent the first year and a half of our marriage in Boulder, Colorado, where the winters are cold and electric blankets are standard equipment for survival. I can recall how both of us enjoyed sliding into those toasty-warm sheets after the electric blanket had thawed them. However, we couldn't always remember to turn off all the lights. We would snuggle in, and Barbara would say, "Sweetheart, did you remember to turn off all the lights?"

I would hop out of our comfy bed and run barefoot through the 55-degree apartment, turning off light after light. It didn't happen that often, so I didn't mind until one night when I dropped into bed totally exhausted. Just as I slipped into the third stage of anesthesia, my wife gave me a poke and said, "Sweetheart, aren't you going to turn off the lights?" I groaned, "Honey, why don't you turn off the lights tonight?" She replied, "I thought you would because my dad always turned off the lights."

Suddenly, I was wide awake. It dawned on me why I had been suffering occasional minor frostbite on my feet. I shot back, "But I'm not your dad!" The expectations we brought to marriage set us up to buy into the 50/50 Plan. My wife was sure that I would do my part and meet her halfway by always getting up to turn off the lights. On the night I flatly refused, I was pushing her to do her part and meet me halfway.

Our disagreement revealed the biggest weakness of the 50/50 Plan: It is impossible to determine if your spouse has met you halfway. Because neither of you can agree on where halfway is, each is left to scrutinize the other's performance from a jaded, often selfish perspective. Many times in a marriage, both partners are busy, overworked, and feel taken for granted. The real question isn't who faced the most pressure that day. The important issue is how you build oneness and teamwork instead of keeping score and waiting for the other person to meet you halfway. Check back later for how to build oneness in your marriage and not fall prey to The World’s 50/50 Plan.

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