Superglue Your Marriage (Part 2)

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourselves.
Philippians 2:3

The 50/50 Plan is destined to fail for several reasons:

First, acceptance is based on performance. Many people unknowingly base their acceptance of their spouses on performance. Performance becomes the glue that holds the relationship together, but it isn't really glue at all. It's more like Velcro. It seems to stick, but it comes apart when a little pressure is applied. What a marriage needs is superglue--but more on that later.

Second, giving is based on merit. With the "meet me halfway" approach, a husband would give affection to his wife only when he felt she had earned it. If she always cooked tasty meals and balanced the checkbook then he would drop her a few crumbs of praise and loving attention. She, in turn, would lavish affection and praise only when he vacuumed the carpet and always arrived home on time.

Third, motivation for action is based on how each partner feels. As a newlywed, it's easy to act sacrificially because the pounding heart and romantic feelings fuel the desire to please. But what happens when those feelings diminish? If you don't feel like doing the right thing, perhaps you won't do it at all. Each spouse has a tendency to focus on the weaknesses of the other. Ask a husband or wife to list his or her spouse's strengths in one column and the weaknesses in another, and the weaknesses will usually outnumber the strengths five to one.

Fourth, the world's plan, the 50/50 performance-based relationship, is destined to fail because it is contrary to God's plan.

What a marriage needs is the superglue of Philippians 2:3: "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourselves." It's what we refer to as the 100/100 Plan, which requires a 100 percent effort from each of you to serve your spouse.

The Bible describes this plan well in Matthew 22:39: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." There's no closer neighbor than the one you wake up to each morning! And since most of us love ourselves passionately, we are well on the way to implementing the 100/100 Plan if we take a similar approach to loving our spouses.

Start by stating the 100/100 Plan like this: "I will do what I can to love you without demanding an equal amount in return." In marriage you will hear a voice that says, Why are you making the bed this morning when she wouldn't bring you a soft drink last night? Or, Why should I not buy this outfit when he spent fifty dollars last weekend on golf? That voice has to be silenced if you are to live out the 100/100 Plan.

Yes, there will be times when one person appears to get the advantage in the relationship. But love requires sacrifice. Stick with the 100/100 Plan and you will see increasing cooperation and intimacy in your marriage.

Applying grace is critical. Sometimes a couple can make issues out of things that really don't matter. Maybe we had parents who did that as we grew up, but that's not the type of person I want to be or one I'd enjoy living with. Martha and I have learned over the years to let a lot slide; we don't take issue or talk about many minor disappointments.

Marriage is the union of two imperfect people who in their selfishness, sinfulness, and demands of each other will cause disappointment and hurt. You must lay aside those difficulties and hold fast to forgiveness, love, and Christ's command to love even those who don't at times appear to love you. You will never have all of your expectations met in marriage on this fallen planet. But if you concentrate on implementing the 100/100 Plan, your life will be so full of satisfaction that you may not care.

Please comment below or email me directly at curtis.songer@gmail.com